Behind the Velvet Curtain: A Sexposé on the Psychic Industry

After a busy February and a hectic March, no matter how Valentine’s Day or midterms went, we often find ourselves wondering about the future. To untangle the web of could-be’s and possibilities, it is reasonable and entirely normal to turn to a psychic for aid.

Do not feel embarrassed. Everyone occasionally seeks mystic assistance. You are not a weirdo. No one will make fun of you if they find out about this, like that one time in middle school Becky G. told everyone about your crush on Dame Judy Dench. She just didn’t understand, and anyone who would mock you for getting life advice from a psychic doesn’t understand either. This article will explain the truth of the psychic profession and reveal some new saucy details. If Becky gives you any trouble, show her this article, and then spit in her eye for ruining your prom night.

Psychics have a long and sexy history. Legend has it that the first psychic, Pervyocula, invented the crystal ball while trying to spy on hunky Spartan blacksmiths washing the grime and dirt off their big muscles after a long day working the forge. Her original apparatus was actually two crystal balls, suspended in a wool sack from one side of her hut’s roof-beam, but she found that when she tried to look through the crystal balls she would get hairs and bits of wool from the sack stuck in her eye. This caused her to refine the design to the simple crystal ball we are familiar with today.

Another notable user of the crystal ball was Madame du Pompadour. King Louis XIV’s most treasured mistress needed a little help to maintain his affections throughout over twenty years. To keep up with the King’s notoriously varied appetites and fickle changes of fetish, by the 1650s Madame du Pompadour had begun using a crystal ball to view the King’s private chambers, in an effort to find out what he was into at the time.

In those days, before the advent of the internet, pornography was a luxury of the rich, and only royalty could afford to keep a spank-bank of erotic paintings and sculptures. The fabulously wealthy Louis XIV had entire wings of Versailles dedicated to storing his mastur-pieces and armies of artists on retainer to craft at a moment’s notice whatever fantasy seized his fancy. Through her clairvoyant practices, the Madame kept abreast of the King’s shifting moods, and the results of her efforts and exertions on the King and the state of France is, as we say, herstory.

Here we see another important aspect: the practice of the psychic arts often drove history and economics. Madame du Pompadour’s need to stay abreast of Louis’ appetites single-handedly supported the French glass-blowing industry. It should be no surprise that the King had some pretty disgusting fetishes, and the depravity of them caused the Madame’s crystal balls to crack and shatter almost as soon as she focused on the King’s erotic art. Left with only glimpses, if she were to ever find out what it was that the skimpily clad army of dwarves were hunting, she needed further looks at the paintings, and for this reason she always kept a pile of crystal balls in the corner of her chamber.

Visitors to Versailles would hear the shattering of glass and see the shipments of new crystal balls being brought to the Madame’s chambers, and they assumed that these strange spheres were some new delicacy imported from a far off land. The practice of eating crystal balls to look classy and elegant persisted among the French nobility even after Madame du Pompadour’s death. Her psychic practices would define France’s economy for decades to come.

So you see, Becky G. is a misinformed dolt. Psychics are a noble profession, and she is just a stuck up, smalltown, shortsighted, plain, little bully; unloved even by her cats.

#sex