Cliquey Cocktails

Outside, the snowdrifts that usually reach about three toddlers in height are slowly melting. Queen’s Park is beginning to look like a swamp, and Quad Party is fast approaching. (In fact, it may already have come and gone, depending on when the Salterrae team gets this printed.)

Spring is in the air.

For some of us, namely the illustrious 1T5s, this means graduation. The muddiness of the grass outside and the lingering smell of long-frozen fecal matter coming to a thaw means that it’s time to say goodbye to Trinity and hello to the Great Unknown. Which most likely contains plenty of debt, whisky, and failed OkCupid dates.

For my final food column, I thought I’d leave you all with a series of cocktails designed to pigeonhole you based on your interests.

If you’re wondering, my inspiration was the standout musical number, “Stick to the Status Quo” from the Disney Channel Original Movie High School Musical. I’ve painstakingly created a cocktail for each of the clubs at Trinity that came to mind while writing this column.

So find the one that best suits you, and accept that you will be confined to a finite list of ordinary traits for the remainder of your years! Cliques are forever!

The TCD-YASSSS

Club: Figure it out for yourself.

If you’re a born performer who longs for the spotlight and always has to make everything about you then this cocktail is pure perfection. Glitzy, bubbly, and worthy of an Iggy itself, the TCD-YASSSS is the ultimate pre-karaoke beverage. Just pour some cognac and Grand Marnier into a champagne flute, and top it off with real (or fake) champagne. If you drink this, you can pretend that you have a chance of experiencing upward social mobility!

Alternative options: Bubbly STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

The Heavy-Lifter

Club: TCAA/SHAH

This cocktail is perfect for those of you who value a healthy body along with a healthy mind, since it will probably destroy both those things! Simply add 1 ¼ cups of cranberry juice to two scoops of vanilla protein powder and top it off with vodka. Build protein while you obliterate brain cells—that’s the way to become the athlete of your dreams.

Alternative options: JAGER BOMBS. THEY BUILD CHARACTER. ALSO BEER.

The Philanthropist’s Punch

Club: The Trinity College Volunteer Society

After a long day of doing good deeds and paying it forward, it’s always nice to put those weary feet up and drown your sorrows in sugary drinks! No one ever rewards you for your charitable endeavours, so let me give you this gift of cocktail perfection as a form of repayment. Purée two cups of mint leaves with two cans of frozen Bacardi’s Margarita Mix and one cup of water. Strain into a punch bowl, and add one bottle of white rum, some limes, and ice. I can’t think of a way to align this drink with the TCVS specifically. I just think it sounds delicious, and I would like everyone to agree with me at all times.

Alternative options: There are no alternative options.

The Horse’s Ass

Club: The Lit

This one is not for the faint of heart, but then again, neither are most members of the Lit. Apparently it was invented by Anthony Burgess for “A Clockwork Orange,” and consists of a double shot each of gin, rum, whiskey, brandy, and port, all poured into a pint glass.

I’m not even close to finished.

You then have to add four ounces of champagne or sparkling wine.

Think I’m through? You’re too naïve.

Top this sucker off with Guinness.

Again, I reiterate, do not try this unless you’re certifiably insane, have a stomach made of steel, or are harboring a death wish. There are no winners in this situation—only inebriated warriors with many regrets ahead of them.

Alternative options: Just don’t.

There you have it: four cocktails based on four clubs, which are in turn based on a few salient interests common to a select group of people. Perfect for the all-inclusive environment that Trinity is so fond of encouraging, right?

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Salterrae and the Trin community at large for two great years as your Food Columnist. Cue Simple Minds’ “Don’t You Forget About Me.”

Stay Salty.