"The best thing about human beings is that they stack so neatly."

The award-winning online series House of Cards is back for its third season this spring, and the stakes have never been higher — or more erotic. You have a lot of work to do before the show returns. Beyond marathoning the first two seasons, you will need to embark on a preparatory sexathon and learn something about yourself along the way. If you are to fully apply the show's lessons, it will be easy to revolutionize the TCM, college governance, and your sex life. With that in mind, here is an essential “to-do list” for the next month and a half:

You have no patience for useless things. Eliminate the chaff from your life, and also the chafing. If the biting cold of winter makes you reluctant to forgo underpants, opt instead to buy softer ones. Always remember: the feeling of power is silk!

Appreciate the value of foreplay, and learn that of threeplay. Get to know a friend better by involving them in an existing relationship. You can also use this strategy to calm the waters between you and a rival by palming their waters. Make this cold war hot!

Sometimes one needs a little spontaneous 'push' to really get going. If you have been in an affair that's starting to lose its allure, tell the other person to surprise you this spring. What they do will set the tone for the season.

Sex appeal is a lot like real estate: it's all about location, location, location. Take heed of this and get down to business in new places. Anything can be a bed if you use your imagination.

At the end of it all, take some solitary time to figure yourself out. What really makes you tick, you know? For some, this can be a difficult question to answer. Luckily for you, we’ve included a helpful quiz.

Which House of Cards sex position are you?

It's the end of a long and stressful day. What do you do to unwind?

Go to Freddy's BBQ for some ribs. one point

Search for compromising pictures of rivals, for use as blackmail and “personal entertainment.” two points

Sneak into a Capitol Hill washroom and open up Tinder on your phone. three points

Leave the door open while watching porn. four points

Who is your secret beloved?

An artistic New York photographer who throws the best parties. one point

An intrepid reporter who hates riding the subway. two points

A call-girl turned call-center worker. three points

Cashew the guinea pig. four points

A courier delivers an iPad to you in a diner. You turn it on, and a talking bird starts skyping with you. Your next action is?

Get the courier's number. one point

Minimize the bird and look through the gallery for nudes. two points

Look past its outward differences from you and carry on a deep and meaningful conversation with the bird. three points

Sigh and reluctantly pull out a bottle of personal lubricant. four points

You see an injured dog lying in the street. You know that it will not live long. What do you do?

Kill the dog. one point

Kill the dog. two points

Call your bodyguard to cradle it in his big, strong arms. three points

Kill the dog. four points

Add your answers and use their sum to determine which House of Cards sex position you are:

4-6: The Oval Office Desk Dance

As Frank himself says, if you don't like the way the table is set, turn it over. Your appetites are generally unremarkable, but where you choose to satiate them is anything but. Your current favourite spot is under the 200 year-old desk in your new office.

7-9: The Subway Sprint

You're heading straight to the top and don't have time to wait or think about who you roll over on the way there. You live fast and love fast, but that's okay to you. Quality over quantity, right?

10-12: The Meechum Greetchum

Outwardly stoic, you are actually quite sensitive and full of feeling. Though some may see it as a weakness, you find strength in your vulnerability. Like death, you put the most powerful men on their backs.

13-16: Raymond's Tusk

You are unconventional, and while some may find that alarming, it's all a part of who you are. You chose the McMansion in Sarasota over the old stone building that stands erect a century. But after all, who needs to be rock-hard when you have the money for all these toys?