‘Twas the night before exams

‘Twas the night before exams, when all through the quad,

Not a creature was stirring - now isn’t that odd?

Notes piled under pillows with the intent, albeit hopeless,

That knowledge would seep in through the night by osmosis

The keeners were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of quad party danced in their heads,

The rest of us losers, all self-damning,

Strapped ourselves in for a long night of cramming

When out in the quad there arose such brouhaha,

I thought to myself, “It’s too late for toga!”

I waded through piles of books

And went to the window to take a quick look...

I saw no half-naked frosh gyrating and shaking,

So I knew my suspicion was likely mistaken,

I told myself I must’ve had too much tea

After all, I was starting to feel dizzy

When out of the corner of my eye, I swear,

I saw the Bishop’s statue beckon me downstairs

I was understandably freaked out by this animate Strachan,

So I hid under my bed, with the curtains drawn.

“You stupid, belligerent,

ignorant fool!

Who on earth

let you into this school?

Procrastinating moron,

only air in your head

Come down here this instant,

before I come up instead!”

John Strachan’s voice was surprisingly shrill,

He sounded just about ready to kill,

What a nightmare! The floor began to shake —

I promised myself that soon I’d awake,

Then I heard pounding on the windowpane,

I assumed that I must have been going insane,

From under my bed, I watched in amazement,

As John Strachan himself emerged through the casement,

He landed with a thud and cracked the wood floor,

There goes my deposit; thanks a lot you old boar!

I’m not sure how he got there, he was just a bust,

But there he was staring at me with disgust,

His wrinkles had wrinkles, his stare made me wary!

His cheeks were all sallow, his frown curdled dairy,

He had the puffiest sleeves that I ever had seen,

I’d have thought him handsome if not mean,

His comb-over was fierce and his sideburns were bangin’,

He had the sort of eyes a girl could get lost in,

I slowly crawled out from under my bed,

And he gave me a sympathetic pat on the head

He didn’t have arms, so I was quite confused,

As his expression changed, I stared at him, bemused

He put his hand on my shoulder, again, what the Hell?

I silently wondered if this could end well,

It turns out that Strachan is a fan of tough love,

He wants what’s best for me, when push comes to shove,

I knew in that moment I couldn’t let him down,

I had to prove I deserved a Trin gown

I worked like I had never worked before,

But studying’s still quite the chore,

And even if I don’t get that 4.0,

At least Strachan will know that I gave it a go.