Navigating the Challenges of Food Delivery Decision-Making

Last week, after traipsing back to Trinity through Toronto’s autumn gloom at the end of a long day of classes, I found that dinner was slightly more unpalatable than usual.

Four years (yes, four years) of Strachan food flashed through my mind’s-eye, like a horrific supercut of a 60 Minutes exposé on prison food. Out of this drudgery, however, a light appeared in the form of the Internet and food delivery’s deliciously convenient offspring: Just-Eat.ca.

As I scrolled through the site’s numerous options, I began to experience another dilemma: How do I select a food type to suit my current gustatory needs?

This issue may also keep you up at night. I know the feeling of wanting pizza, but reveling in the delusion that sushi is “like, not that bad for you” while ordering six yam tempura rolls.

As I retrieved my food delivery from a kind man with gentle eyes, pretending that I really needed those three pairs of chopsticks, the idea for this column arrived in a haze of MSG: a definitive guide to ordering food based on specific mental and physical conditions.

1. Indian Food:

Perfect for: Days when your life is feeling a little bland. Maybe you are beginning to worry about the intensity of the psychological relationship you have with your favourite sitcom characters - you probably cried while re-watching the Monica and Chandler proposal scene from Friends. Maybe you have realized that the most meaningful conversations you have are with YouTube commenters or Tinder strangers. Either way, some naan will do you good.

Watch out for: Sneakily high minimum delivery fees. You are easily looking at 30 bucks if you don’t have a delivery partner-in-crime. You might also have to deal with awkward remarks from the delivery person, like, “Is all that food for you?” or, “Why are you crying?”

2. Greek Food:

Perfect for: When you are feeling quirky, yet underappreciated. Greek food is truly the dark horse of the food delivery game. When people order food, very rarely does someone suggest a spread of souvlaki and tzatziki sauce. You should order this on days when you dare to be different.

Watch out for: Poor quality maintenance. Meat kabobs and rice do not travel all that well. Although it is worth it for a good tzatziki sauce, you might be left wondering why your rice is held together with glue.

3. American Food (i.e. Burgers): Did you know you could order burgers? Well, now you do.

Perfect for: Days when you want something simple, but can’t be bothered to get it yourself. Need a burger and fries desperately? Do not get off the couch - just order from Hero Burger. This is the lazy man’s delivery method.

Watch out for: Poor transport. As with Greek food, burgers do not transport all so well. Is it worth it? Is Meryl Streep a national treasure?

4. Sushi:

Perfect for: Like, when you just can’t even. Like, when you are just, so done. The lack of kale in Strachan’s salad bar has just gotten on your last nerve. You are going to be up super late, and you need something healthy to fuel your studying. Like tempura. And gyoza. And sushi rolls with tempura bits. And literally everything tempura-ized.

Watch out for: Potentially nothing. Delivery charges are usually reasonable, and sushi transports well. Is this the holy grail of delivery foods?

5. Pizza (Thin Crust Gourmet):

Perfect for: When you’ve been having lofty aspirations. Your mind is eager and ambitious, and you need a digestive tract to match. Pepperoni? Only if it’s New York style. Mushrooms? Truffles only, please. Pair this food delivery with a lovely wine, and start working on that blog you have been meaning to start - the one that will inevitably launch you to the heights of intellectual stardom.

Watch out for: Vultures. Everyone and their mother will want a slice. Make sure to establish boundaries.

6. Pizza (Fast Food-Style, i.e. greasy, cheesy, and shameful):

Perfect for: Drunk.

Watch out for: Drunk.