Manifest Destiny: Taking on the Motherland

If I had been born six months later, I would be an American citizen. Instead, I was born in some small town in the Greater Toronto Area that no one has heard of. Luckily, I moved off to the wonderful United States of America soon after and never looked back.

Ah, America. If you’ve lived there, you know what I mean.

Actually, that is a lie. We moved to Vancouver for two years of my elementary life, and that was enough for me to learn about zed instead of zee, the illegal toys in American Kinder Surprise eggs, and the fact that Smarties are chocolate up North as opposed to powdery hard candy. It was enough to send any sane girl running.

Yet here I am, after a seven-year long stint in the heart of Republican America – Texas. We are in the middle of planning secession like Quebec – except with much more popular support, and the only pot we want from y’all is a pot of Kraft mac and cheese. I headed to university in the city made famous by Rob Ford, the city my AP Geography class actually assumed was Canada’s capital.

I have to admit that it had been fabulous in the United States, where they never send their kids to French immersion classes because English is the only language that matters. I will miss the friendliness of the numerous strangers on the street asking you if you’re lost, and the 100 degree-plus weather. Degrees Fahrenheit, of course.

Fortunately, it looks like I’ll finally get to check out the apparent nicety of all Canadians, a trait I’m convinced exists because barely anyone lives here. Everyone has to pretend to be nice to avoid losing potential friends. It’s a little strange because for the most part, they say ‘washroom’ here instead of ‘bathroom,’ ‘marks’ instead of ‘grades,’ and ‘toque’ instead of ‘beanie.’ To be honest, these are small things I can overlook, seeing as people are so nice and we have free healthcare.

The Great North is a good place for fellow environmentalists, too. At least we can walk places. I’m really hoping I finally get one of those polar bears we supposedly ride to school. Either way, the transition from American suburb to Canadian city sounds great, because here in Toronto, we get a legitimate subway! It’s practically New York, but Canadian.

Keep your head up fellow Canadian-Americans, we’re in Canada now! We’ve come full circle and we’re finally home, where others will no longer ask if we’re illegal immigrants and the only Canadian jokes we’ll have to endure will be ones about poutine.

Drop your g’s, avoid making ridiculous Canadian jokes, and wave that maple leaf flag proudly. This is the place where all those Hollywood blockbusters are actually filmed, while the United States gets all the credit…

I wish I could wholeheartedly fall in love with my homeland, but come on. I have to stay somewhat loyal to the United States, in preparation for the day we finally annex Canada.